The Reluctant Parent’s Guide to Raising Good Humans

Years ago, I met up with a couple of friends from high school. We had our kids with us, so we visited a local science and activity center. While our kids played, we talked about parenting. At one point, I said, “Wow! It’s weird that we are definitely not kid people, but we had kids.” One of my friends nodded and said, “Actually, that’s what makes us good parents. We raise our kids not to be obnoxious to others.”

She was on to something. I had never thought of it that way, but I did raise my son to be tolerable. I was a teacher when he was in elementary school, and I often had a kid in class who was downright exhausting. Teachers everywhere will probably understand when I say that I was relieved when this type of kid was out sick. I did not want my son to be that kid. Ever.

Here’s how I (accidentally) did it:

1. Your miracle baby is not my miracle.
   When my son was about seven, he ran into a parking lot. I told him to never assume that someone driving a car would be on the lookout for him. I explained that while his mommy, daddy, and grandparents loved him very much, most other grown-ups just tolerated him. Every kid should learn this at a young age. It makes them less likely to be insufferable as grownups.
2. No means no. For real.
   Any time my son asked me for something more than once, I told him, “I already answered that question. If you keep asking, I will start putting your toys in garbage bags.” It worked. I raised a grownup who does not badger people.
3. Keep them on a regular schedule.
   I don’t care if it’s summer, spring break, or Christmas young kids need a lot more sleep than grownups. Put them to bed at a kid time. Do not take them out to a movie at 9 p.m. and then wonder why they are having a tantrum the next day.
4. Feed them real food.
   Yes, we all know that kids are picky eaters. Some parents will make a separate meal for their picky kid. To that, I say NOPE. Guess what? When your little blessing gets hungry enough, he will eat the dinner you made for the family. For the love of humanity, do not train your little schnookums that if he complains enough, he gets special treatment.
5. Teach them to entertain themselves.
   I love my kid, but I wasn’t about to become his personal cruise director. Boredom is the birthplace of creativity. If he dared whine about being bored, I would hand him a broom or suggest he organize the junk drawer. Shocking how quickly he learned to figure out his own fun.

Was I a perfect parent? Absolutely not. But I stuck to these basic principles, and it turns out they work. My grown son is now a kind, independent adult who doesn’t expect the world to cater to him, doesn’t badger people, and can sit through an entire dinner without needing a separate menu of chicken nuggets. Maybe the real secret to raising good humans isn’t being obsessed with kids. Maybe it’s treating them like future adults and letting them know the world doesn’t revolve around them.

And honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing.