I sat on the hotel bathroom floor at zero dark o’clock, distracting myself from my misery by watching Meghan and Harry’s wedding on my iPhone. Oh. Look. Oprah is there, I thought, as my stomach clenched again. Yes. That Meghan and Harry. Lucky for me, their royal wedding was streaming right around the same time... Continue Reading →
My Migraine Meds Gave Me Constipation and a Whole Existential Journey
You know those prescription commercials where the actors stroll through a meadow in soft sunlight, holding hands with their partners, or kids, or dogs, while the narrator whispers about “mild discomfort” as a possible side effect? Mild my butt. My daily migraine medication gifted me a “side effect” so dramatic it deserved its own film... Continue Reading →
My heart hurts, but not in the call 911 way.
Before anyone sends me to urgent care, let me clarify. I am not having a heart attack.Trust me, I am the daughter of a man who died of one at 47, so I basically have an honorary WebMD degree in cardiac panic. It is not the organ in my chest that is hurting.It is the... Continue Reading →
Scary Potter and the Case of the Haunted Pot Roast
Heinz, our big brown house pony, is afraid of approximately… everyone. Except Chris and me. If you are not us, congratulations, you are officially terrifying. Recently, a family friend moved in, which means Heinz has upgraded from mild suspicion to full growl, bark, and lunge mode. It is like living with a furry, four-legged bouncer... Continue Reading →
Spoiler Alert: I kept “IT”
“You can get the vitamins on your way out if you’re keeping it.” That was the first thing the scrawny lab tech at my OB/GYN’s office said to me after confirming what I already kind of suspected: I was pregnant. At this point I was two weeks late and lashing out at neighbors who dared... Continue Reading →
A Crime Against Joe Walsh
Dear Joe Walsh, I was in yoga the other day, minding my own business, trying to stretch my hamstrings without dislocating anything, when the unthinkable happened. It started out fine—AC was on (a rare gift from the yoga gods), the new instructor was fantastic, the playlist was solid. She played “Come Undone” by Duran Duran... Continue Reading →
The Dread in My Head
It starts the moment I catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, squinting past sleep and hope. The Arizona sun might be blazing outside, but inside my brain, the weather is unseasonably grim. There’s a gray cloud parked directly over my head—and it’s not moving anytime soon. The first thought, before I’ve had... Continue Reading →
Perimenopause: The Hormonal Circus No One Warned Me About (Starring… My Ovaries!)
Wednesday night. I’m dead asleep, dreaming about something amazing—possibly sex, possibly cheese, possibly Chris dressed as cheese, I don't know—when suddenly… dream pain. That low, dull ache in my lower abdomen. Ladies, you already know. The ovaries were staging a protest. Again. I figured I’d wake up and it’d be gone, like those dreams where... Continue Reading →
Paul the Pack Rat Is Going to Die, and It’s Not What You Think
Let me back up before you call 911 and start a true crime podcast called Murder in the Desert: The Paul Chronicles. About four months ago, our dogs started getting real interested in one particular bush in our backyard. And by “backyard,” I mean a patch of Arizona that someone tried to tame with concrete... Continue Reading →
Trading Xanax with Crackhead Shelly: A Comedy Club Cautionary Tale
I had some ISSUES in the early oughts. Back when I was still willing to leave the house after 7 p.m., I spent a lot of time at a little comedy club that smelled like desperation, bleach, and Axe body spray. I was doing stand-up back then, trying to make people laugh while quietly unraveling... Continue Reading →